I've spoken about a lot of personal things on this blog over the years, from stress to body image but today's post might just be the hardest I've ever had to write. "why are you doing it then?" I hear you mutter (and honestly I keep asking myself the exact same question.) Deep down, I know why, because if it can help one person realise it is not just them and they most definitely are not on their own, then I have succeeded as a writer. Brace yourself, it's time to get serious...

Functioning on a daily basis, when you have generalised anxiety disorder, can be a struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, a struggle to motivate yourself for the day ahead and a struggle to produce effective and efficient work.

Some people are wizards in the art of creating a less-anxious version of themselves, one they consequently present to the world. These people know how to portray a character with dedication and truth. But, what happens when that mask slips? When the walls start crumbling? Left, is a shattered pile of rubble. Left powerless to its untimely demise.

You look at these people who have it all together and you wonder... you wonder if that's all there is, or whether there's something below the surface they are better at hiding than you are.

Its the tiredness which is the consumer. Exhausted from trudging through every day with conviction and a smile. The smile that slowly starts to droop after a day of keeping busy and keeping the mind actively distracted.

For people without anxiety, life seems content, happy and without any sudden changes, things that throw them out of sync, in an instant. Petty things, really. "They said they'd be here at 9.15, where are they? I expect they're not coming, maybe they've had an accident, what if..." and that's where it takes control, 'what if?' Two words that latch themselves onto you like a leech in search of blood.

Never have two words had such power, such power inevitably crushing the anxious mind on a day-to-day basis and moulding it into fear, fear of both the known and the unknown.

How do you function when every ounce of your being is weighed down by grief? Grief for a life before anxiety. Or, maybe, you can't remember a time before, in which case you're mourning a life you could have had, had the mental health lottery not been so cruel.

Every day is exhausting. Maybe that's why anxious people are often perceived as lazy or unreliable? But, think... imagine if you were using every waking hour of energy on worry and how certain actions, words, directions and decisions were to affect your future, and not just your future, the future of those you care about most. Imagine you're so terrified of leaving the comfort of your bed, that you're willing to sacrifice relationships and commitments. Then comes the guilt, the guilt you've not lived up to the expectation you've set of your self. You've created a character who is dedicated, ambitious and reliable, but right before your eyes this persona becomes fragmented.

That's the thing with anxiety, it sucks every ounce of energy out of your body until you're left with nothing but a hollow shell and the uttered words 'what if'. Almost as if you're malfunctioning, slowly loosing power, not only over what happens around you, but loosing your own power and your own ability to function.

You're tired, so tired. Excruciatingly tired, almost painfully tired, but you keep busy, making plans every night of the week to keep your mind distracted.

And then you sleep.

But, as soon as you wake up, you're exhausted. Again, ready to take on another day, ready to wade through the treacle of life, pushing through with force and calculated effort.

When everything seems black, there's a glimmer of light, and it's subtle at first. That light may manifest itself as a friend, a relationship, a pet, a hobby... and after the struggle comes the appreciation. Someone to hold your hand. Someone to tell you it's okay not to be okay and it's okay to talk, in fact, it's imperative you do talk. It's a long old road, but you're not doing it alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue, please don't suffer in silence. There is always someone there to listen.

Samaritans: 116 123 or samaritans.org
Calm: 0800 58 58 58 or thecalmzone.net 
Rethink Mental Illness: 0300 5000 927
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or mind.org.uk 


This piece is constructed of accounts I have gathered from my own and friends' experiences of generalised anxiety disorder and is no way a representation of everybody's experiences.