Wow, so, it's been a whole year since I last wrote a blog post. I hate the fact it's been so long, but am also grateful for the breathing space. I've had a fair bit on my plate over the last year, in a good way. however, it means other things have taken priority over writing, which happens I guess. Just the way life ebbs and flows. 

One year older, definitely not wiser. But I have returned to the bloggersphere to write another mental health post. Every year I feel like I have so much to say, then I get to writing and my mind goes blank. 

This year I want to focus on the curse of the creative mind. There has long been a trope for artists (singers, songwriters, actors, poets, writers, comedians) to be portrayed as 'tortured souls'. Many films and documentaries have covered such topics, and a lot of the time, are based in truth. 

The inspiration for this piece comes from a conversation I had with my mum and sister about the lyrics to some of Queen's songs, particularly "Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth...I don't want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all" from Bohemian Rhapsody. Obviously written by the incredible Freddie Mercury, another artist appearing to adhere to the stereotype of the haunted artist. When you break the lyrics down, they are truly troubling. But, I believe it cuts way deeper than a few words on a page. 

When I was in the midst of a panic attack; screaming, convulsing, hyperventilating, I cried out to my mum "I would trade all of my talent and creativity, not to have the demons" and I meant it. Being creative means feeling, feeling really bloody deeply. How does an actor get into the role of someone facing turmoil without feeling it? They don't. Now, I'm not saying I'm Dame Judy Dench, but singing songs of heartbreak, of deep pain, frustration and telling a story with conviction, needs feeling. It also needs to be believable. The audience have to relate. However, the difference between the performer and the audience is; the audience can compartmentalise, the performer can't. They need to be able to access the emotion on queue, on demand. 

I'm not for one minute saying all creative people are dealing with crippling mental health issues, but look at the way in which many admired musicians and actors deal with being in the public eye, deal with the price of their talent. To escape the torment of their own thoughts, they turn to escapism. To drink, to drugs, to partying or maybe to writing... a common pattern freeing themselves from the prison of their own head, their own thoughts. Sometimes the only way to deal with feeling so deeply, is to escape it. 

All of us consume, admire and breathe in the works of creatives, but many of us don't scratch beneath the surface, allow ourselves to chip away slightly at the messaging. Can creativity ever exist without trauma? I'm sure for some people, creativity is just a whimsical side of their personality, but, for me, being a creative is both a blessing and a curse. A double-edged sword. The one thing in my life which brings me the most joy, is also a plague that cannot be treated. 

I know I'm not alone in this, and I also realise it doesn't apply to everyone. But, for me, all the years of dealing with anxiety, depression, OCD and a period of psychosis, comes from a place of deep, deep feeling, of accessing a different part of the brain, of diving deeper into the subconscious than you are maybe supposed to go, but without it I know my world would look very different.  

I hope this doesn't make me seem ungrateful, or resentful, but I just wanted to shine a light on the correlation between my creativity and mental illness, especially on a day such as today. 

Everyday single day I am so, SO grateful for the absolute blessing of being able to sing, to write and to form deep, meaningful relationships with others, but just sometimes it comes at a price.  

If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue, please don't suffer in silence. There is always someone there to listen.

Samaritans: 116 123 or samaritans.org

Calm: 0800 58 58 58 or thecalmzone.net 

Rethink Mental Illness: 0300 5000 927

Mind: 0300 123 3393 or mind.org.uk